Ralph Josephsohn: Happy New Year

Ralph Josephsohn St. Vrain Valley Voices

‘Tis the season, New Year’s Eve. 2018 exhausted its last reprieve. The Pikes Peak AdAmAn Club (gender neutral) is primed to trek up slushy Barr Trail (global warming). At the stroke of midnight a fusillade of fireworks will shower the heavens with a rainbow of colors (gender neutral), emitting smoke from recreational marijuana and wispy vapings. AdAmAn’ers will carry a celebratory New Year’s Eve cake to the peak of the Peak. Conservatives Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty staked out an amorous claim on the icing, frosting out progressives Gov.-elect Jared Polis and First Man Marlon Reis. Should Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty prevail in the ongoing legal brouhaha, Donald Trump won’t be able to embrace Kim Jong-un or Vladimir Putin with Masterpiece concessions on the pinnacle of diplomacy. Justice Brett Kavanaugh is too traumatized to participate in the cake decision because of the character assassination inflicted upon him along the tortuous route to his Supreme Court appointment.

In 2018 firearms bump-fired bullets detonated approximately 55,000 violent incidents, including 14,000 deaths and 27,000 injuries. More than 330 mass shootings occurred. Urban violence was epidemic. Thousands of children and teens were impacted by ballistic insanity. The number of police officers injured or killed in the line of duty approached 300. More than 2,000 civilians were shot by police. For them “Shop With a Cop” was “Shot by a Cop.” The number of privately owned firearms in the United States was estimated to exceed 393 million. Gun control was outgunned. Illicit drugs and pharmaceuticals were weapons of greater mass lethality. They discharged toxic needles and pills. More than 72,000 Americans died from a drug overdose, including prescription pain relievers, heroin, opioids and synthetic opioids such as fentanyl.

Frenzied circus clowns occupied center ring of the 2018 elections. They graduated with lowest honors from the Three Stooges celluloid school of slapstick. Their ill-spirited histrionics, pratfalls, eye gouging, head bonks, face slaps, and pie in the face wooed voters of lean discernment with fat insults and hyperbole. Like Jack Sprat who could eat no fat, whose wife could eat no lean, betwixt themselves (the American voters) they were left no choice but to lick the prattle platter clean. Some present and former scallywags in high public office, as their fixers and lackeys, will soon exchange haute couture for prison stripes. The nation was malnourished, starved for mature, responsible leadership.

The stock market plummeted in the waning days of 2018. The inflationary boiler burst, shrieking the alarm of a hissing teakettle. Deflation (adjustment) scuttled the dreams of many yearning to make America great again. China once referred to dinner plates and tea cups. A plethora of the goods Americans consumed was made in China. Trump had a hissy fit. He was vexed and perplexed because he didn’t receive a Christmas card from Mexico with a $5.7 billion check to build the Great Wall of America.

Global warming was pegged by some as hocus pocus. Evidence of climate change harboring a devastating threat to the ecology was scientifically confirmed beyond any reasonable doubt. It portends massive food shortages, disease, economic chaos, melting of the polar icecaps, and the wholesale extinction of animal and plant species. Naysayers claimed global warming is fake news. Tell that to a polar bear.

Santa’s email account was hacked. Old Saint Nick was extorted to ransom elves in order to regain access his list of good little boys and girls. The internet, postal service and telephone, once mediums of communication, became unchecked vehicles for criminal scams, incessant robocalls, telemarketing and junk mail.

Symbols representing religious Christmas were politically incorrect, displaced with one-size-fits-all Happy Holiday spending icons. Secular Christmas rings ka-ching. The Grinch goaded shoppers to believe that affection, loyalty, and love can be bought with things and bling. Then the green rascal stole Christmas and split. Bah humbug.

The demise of 2018 will bring cheer this New Year. The curse of the year past couldn’t get much worse. A brighter 2019 is on the horizon, with the caveat that humanity quickly must address and resolve daunting obstacles imperiling its very survival. So let the ball drop. May corks pop. Here’s a toast to a Happy New Year … with bubbly, sober optimism!

Ralph Josephsohn is a long time resident of Longmont and a semi-retired attorney.